Wherein a Mexican Ponders If Disney Really REALLY Loves Bears

(MINOR SPOILERS)

So there's this movie out, and it's called Brave.  You might have heard of it, and it was made by this little company named Pixar, which has churned out a few good movies.  It's also got backing by some company named Disney that seems to be kind of big on the animation business.  I mean, I think they're pretty big, there was some kind of fuss in regards to how big this movie was gonna be.

Not pictured: Nicky Cage's Sanity.

Brave, originally titled 'The Bear and The Bow' (Changed due to a number of reasons, but I'll get to that) during development, is Pixar's 13th animated feature, and much like any (every) Pixar film to date, it's gotten a lot of hype.  For starters, it's got a female lead, and it's Pixar's first foray into the fantasy genre.  Pixar was also forced to completely overhaul their animation software.  For a frame of reference, this hasn't been done in 25 YEARS, so that's saying something.  I got the chance to see this movie due to the good graces of a buddy of mine, who as of this writing I'm allowing to be made his bitch for taking me along for the ride.  As a plus, the movie was apparently also being part of a test run of Dolby's new Atmos system, which is currently only being used in 14 theaters in North America, and Burbank's AMC 16 was one of them.  I was understandably excited about this, as detailed in my Twitter account before the show (which you bastards should totally be following right now, if you're not already.  Shame on you if you're not.)

I have a personal bias towards Pixar, in that I'm of the mindset that even their weaker movies such as Cars and A Bug's Life, tend to be a great watch, and always in some way or another find a way to tug at the heartstrings.  The only one, and this is pretty much a universal truth, is the abysmal failure that was Cars 2, which to date has a dismal 38% on Rotten Tomatoes.  Still, we can't begrudge a phenomenal studio for cranking out one dud (well, we totally could, but we won't.  Well I won't, you can if you want to.  You ass.), especially when you look at their impressive line up of films.  The Incredibles is still my favorite of the bunch, only barely edging out Toy Story 3 on the merit that it appeals to my inner geek on every level.  That and the Hundred Mile Dash segment which still gives me a nerdgasm every time I watch it.  Toy Story 3 made me sob near the end though, a feat that has only been duplicated by The Lion King, ALSO done by Disney by some strange coincidence.  If you're guessing it's when the ever manly James Earl Jones falls and dies, and a furry, diminutive Johnathan Taylor Thomas try to wake up him?  Yup.  Right there.  27 years old and I still cry like a teenage prom date just after her first kiss from her manly, sexually adept boyfriend that night at that scene.

EVERY.  FUCKING.  TIME.

Pixar/Disney has always had the uncanny ability to play my heartstrings like a master harpist, Pixar in particular.  Their motto has been 'Story first' for the longest time, and even their shorts have made me pause to reflect on certain aspects of my emotional state, cracking off the crust of my horrendously calloused soul in little chunks.

Very small chunks.

I don't want to give away a lot of story points for the movie, for a number of reasons.  I'll start with the obvious:  Go see this movie.  I do recommend going to see it in theaters, and I take a very economical stance on my movie viewings.  If I had to pay for the ticket, I would still gladly do so.  Brave manages to hit a lot of strong points:  A strong story with compelling characters, beautiful; nay, GORGEOUS environments, and a soundtrack that is highly evocative of the Irish highlands.  At least I think it's Irish.  God I hope it's Irish, last thing I need is to sound racist on this blog of mine.

...Oh right.  I'm already one foot in the grave on that one.  FUCK IT, it's established.  Though Billy Connely and Craig Ferguson's presence in the film leads me to believe it's Scottish.  HELP.

I read somewhere that it took Pixar a nightmarish three years to develop the engine/software/rendering process/voodoo that was used for Merida's hair.  And it shows.  That one detail alone shows how committed the animation team was to the project.  Don't believe me?  Allow me to show you a sample.

Now, I really want you to LOOK at these images.  Really soak them in.  Just about every single strand of her hair is rendered with such painstaking detail it's nothing short of gorgeous.  And these are just minor GIFS.  If you've got a raging hard on for painstaking details (like I tend to) you'll understand how this is nothing short of an animation miracle.  The software was used to translate into other aspects of the movie, so really, it's pretty damn ground breaking.

That being said, Brave, for all it's amazing technological contributions to the world of computer animation, does leave me with some minor gears to grind.  Firstly, and I'm putting this out there because it really is pretty astonishing...  But what's Disney's deal with transformation?  I know that Pixar has been granted a large amount of autonomy from Disney (for good reason), but I can't help but think that some of their influence has bled over into Pixar's collective creative genius.

In Brave, one of the characters is transformed into a bear, which also happened in (duh) Disney's Brother Bear.  Jafar transformed from a human into a snake.  Ariel underwent 2, maybe 3 transformations in The Little Mermaid, Prince Naveen in The Princess and the Frog, and if we're including all the shrinking/growing that Alice in Wonderland did...

Is there something you're not telling us Disney?  There was pretty important attention paid to how pliant you made the bear butt behave.  Don't believe me?  Here's a partial video of just a small portion of the chicanery that Disney's animator's have gotten up to.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing, god knows that even animators have their vices, and hell, even a means to make them a reality.  It's just that knowing what I know now about the internet and people in general?  Well, let's just say that while I do admire (and am quite awestruck at the mind bending detail of it all) of these sequences in their own way, it's not hard to take that step into strange and head-tiltingly interesting sights.

My other issue is that for all it's glamour, Brave felt slightly incomplete, like there could have been more that could have been done with it.  Merida's role as the badass princess that'd make Joss Whedon blush was well established, and archery has always been a passion of mine that I wish I could follow through on.  Actually, pretty much all of the characters I felt were well enough defined for what they were.  Even the Gaellic jabbering son was likable in his own way, which is is kind of a shame because they weren't used enough I think.  There was mention of a curse, and how it'd tear apart the kingdom, but there was no real focus on that.  Hell the 'villain' could qualify more as a force of nature then an actual threat, though both are still deadly enough.

Still, I nitpick.  It's Pixar's first foray into the fantasy genre, and they do a competent job of it.  It's less of a story of grand adventure, and more of a tale of personal growth and advancement.  And I can appreciate that.  There's a central theme of 'facing one's fate' and taking command of it, and that resonates with everyone on some level.  That and learning to accept and embrace the things that your parents wish for you, and vice versa.  Coming from a somewhat caliginous relationship with one of my own parents, this struck a chord with me when Merida and her mother have their first real argument, one that really shows how bad things can get when you don't let yourself really communicate what NEEDS to be said.  The two of them could really have used Henry Kissinger to delegate at that point.

Delegate.  Negotiator. Balls deep in poontang.

The final prognosis is hard to rationalize.  On the one hand, Brave is story with a lot of heart and soul, gorgeous animation and enviroments, strong compelling characters, and a soundtrack to die for.  On the other hand, it's a story of familial discord and lessons that must be learned that's been seen a number of times before.  My initial judgement was a bit harsher than it is now, with the thought that it's one of Pixar's weaker movies.  Not a bad thing, unless we're talking the ass grenade that was Cars 2.  But  I left with the impression that Pixar was trawling the storyline bin a bit too liberally and went with something a bit -too- cookie cutter.  My stance has softened a bit since then, and I could enjoy the film again if I watched it, but it's still a somewhat egregious offender for storyline cropping.

Did I have a good time though?  Yes, I did, and I suppose that's what matters.  There aren't many movies I go to see in theaters (my last theater outing being Avengers which still gives me sexy shivers when I think about it.  I'm pretty sure the movie ravished me five ways from Sunday), so I prefer to see movies that are of exceptional quality.  If I could, I'd see Brave again, only this time WITHOUT the 3D gimmick.  I still get headaches watching movies in this stupid ass 3D shtick, and it's wholly unnecessary.  The colors were washed out and grainy, and there wasn't really anything that I felt NEEDED to pop out at me during the course of the film.  I was this close to tromping up to the projection booth and bitch slapping the attendant to put it in normal view, sans bullshit 3D.  I had this same discussion with my buddy Brandon in regards to Tintin, and we were pretty much in agreement:  STOP THIS HORSESHIT.

These are all minor complaints, if that even, and should be taken with a grain of salt.  You should still go see the movie, and expect the same level of quality and entertainment that Pixar has (mostly) provided with their films.  Plus, there was a rather lovely cosplayer for Merida who made a little girl dance about and giggle with joy at the sight.  And really, isn't that what this kind of thing is all about?  Making people smile and laugh, letting them forget about their troubles, making the fantastic real, if only for that fleeting moment?

Pictured: UNBRIDLED JOY.  Apparently she Tweets as well.

Sam Fernandez will be doing this writing bullshit at Cracked for a meager living soon, and he also has a Twitter that he posts highly irascible statements on.  He's also got a Tumblr that he has NO idea what to do with.  You should totally follow his escapades into faux journalism so you can be there to experience copious amounts of mirth.

Wherein a Mexican Punches The Devil In The Face

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

That's out of the way, I figure I might as well post that before some zealous advocate of video game story writing decides to put my head on a pike.  Unlikely for various reasons, but I like to cover my ass all the same.

About 4 months or so ago, I borrowed my brother-in-law's copy of Castlevania: Lords of Shadow because, you know, I live with them and it's significantly cheaper then buying or even renting my own copy.  I'm poor, my options are limited.  I'd been wanting to try the game out for a while, and I had...  minimal hopes for the game.  Plus, Patrick Stewart.

You're now reading this in his voice.

So, I popped in the game, booted it up, and was greeted by the standard credits spiel.  Also was assaulted by the 'KOJIMA PRODUCTIONS' icon, but I shrugged that aside, having been made painfully aware of this fact some time ago by rabid fanboys and the internet in general.  The two terms are mutually inclusive, I know.  Regardless, I started up a new game, serenaded by the sensual tone's of Sir Patrick Stewart's monumentally comforting voice and after few cutscenes, I find myself in control of Gabriel Belmont, wielder of the Vampire Killer!

Only he's not really a Belmont, it's just a name he chose when he was adopted by the Order.

And it's not really the Vampire Killer, it's the Combat Cross.  But that's okay, because we're still freely exploring the environment oh it's stage based gameplay okay.

Oh, and it's an action title, I remembered that much, so let's see how unique you play oh right it's just God of War with gothic elements.

....You know, I liked God of War as much as the next guy, and it really was a fun game.  I enjoyed it immensely, and you know, as much as it's contributed to the action genre of gaming, it's done that much more to ruin it.  Snappy, responsive controls keep Castlevania from getting frustrating, and the camera, while fixed, does a mostly competent job of staying centered on the action, though the often small hallways and environments tend to do really hinder the action and clutter the combat.  Combat itself is fairly interesting, deviating from GoW's Light/Strong attack paradigm and more on Single/Area attacks.  This is actually fairly interesting on paper, since you could forego heavy strikes in favor of keeping enemies away to stay alive to inflict more pain...  But your area attacks, even the more advanced ones you get, are severely underwhelming, and you'll end up spamming the same moves over and over again.  This gets alleviated a bit since there's little to no delay in your strikes, so it's less of an annoyance, but it's still irritating when you've burnt 6000 Experience Points on an area clearing super finisher that gets overshadowed by it's simpler, less time consuming Chain Shield.

Defense is standard fair, hold L to defend and use it at just the right moment to parry and create openings.  This'd be great and awesome if you didn't accidentally roll out of the damn way whenever you block and face an enemy.  Forgoing GoW's right stick dodge for some silly ass reason, despite NEVER using the right stick at all in game, it's a really clumsy mechanic, and it harms the player more than helps.  My real beef though, and this is just me being a pedantic asshole I think, is the ever present Quick Time Events that rear their ugly heads like some hellish hydra of mediocrity.

"Argh!  This shitty metaphor tastes like pain!"

I know that gaming technology has become a lot more sophisticated from the 16 bit scrollers of yesteryear, and as such, production and even shock values have risen appropriately with them.  God of War managed to  make itself relevant and even game changing though with Quick Time Events that were short, easy, and were fun to pull off (smashing an oracle's face into a book lolololol)  Also yes, I'm aware the Shenmue was the first one to technically do this, but let's face it, Shenmue was less than stellar in that and many respects.  The mechanic was done in God of War competently, and while still present in Castlevania, it's clunky, uninspired, and frankly cumbersome, and the scenes that it's used for belong in Devil May Cry, which doesn't use QTE oddly enough.  For example, one scene involves you grappling up a giant collossus (sorta awesome) breaking it apart bit by bit (still awesome) only to culminate in getting to the top, swinging out...!

And grabbing a crystal thrown at you by the mute psychic girl down below to stab into it's face.

It should be mentioned that most of climbing up the boss is done in QTE, so it doesn't really carry much of the grand and sweeping nature that most Colossi slaying should carry.  As a point of order, and as Yahtzee has mentioned in his own review of the game, the game seems heavily derivative of other games, but doesn't really manage to pull off any of them with a particular bit of flair.

Still, their were some amazing portions of the game that I genuinely enjoyed.  The environments made my jaw drop, and for good reason.  The production sketches (which you can also unlock for relatively cheap) show some painstaking work on the areas, enemies and even scenes, which I just found myself staring at in artistic bliss.  While the actual castle of legend itself is only referenced in passing, the castle stage was the most intricately designed place I'd seen in a game to date, and you could tell that even though the designers may not have had fun with the design work, there was a lot of love and care put into it.

Which staggers me as to why the last area of the game seemed so phoned in.  This isn't me being a stickler, because yes, I'm aware that there is a LOT of work and planning that goes into a single level in any game, and I've had designer friends make this argument to me; I'm aware of all this.  The Valley of the Dead, or whatever it was, is a particularly egregious example of cutting corners.  The game's Lords of Shadow are the meat and bones of the bosses you fight, and there are three of them.  The Lycan Lord, the Vampire Lord, and The Necromancer Lord.  You fight two of them, and their areas are phenomenally designed.  Once you get to the Land of the Dead though, it becomes, appropriately, a barren wasteland devoid of life...  and that's about it.  You don't even get to fight Death, which is unheard of in a Castlevania game!  And his design is so fucking generic and simple in the cutscene you see him in that it just screams COP OUT from all sides.  I felt like I was being menaced by a fucking sock puppet!

He babbles in tongues and the language of the damned.

And the highly anticipated final fight just left me confused and bewildered.  The big bad (who you WILL see coming from a mile away if you're up on video game betrayals and characters) comes out of fucking nowhere, and suddenly you find yourself fighting SATAN.  Not even Dracula, not even the true Belmont or whatever, no.  You're pitted against Satan.  Who was rallying to fight against God because he was a fallen angel, or his son?  Shit, I don't know, the whole thing just crumbled like a Jenga tower made from matzoh.  Anyways, you punch Satan in the dick in a very animu style because hey, it's Satan.  Some kind of rhetoric about mankind, forgiveness, and being granted your own fate, yadda yadda, and then ending.

Oh, and apparently the stinger (which lasted a good ten minutes) reveals that Zobek is still around, he's younger now, and that Gabriel has become Dracula.  Oh, and they're supposed to fight Satan again.

I'm not going to bother with a quote beneath that one because I was too fucking dumbstruck by this revelation.  And you're supposed to be playing as Alucard in the next game if what my sister tells me is accurate.  (She got to go to E3.  I didn't.  Go figure.)

I could go into an angry tirade against the direction the series has gone, and that Kojima should stick to Metal Gear or whatever, but it's getting late and I have to fulfill the quota of my presence to the people in my life, lest I become some kind of fetid social vagrant or hobo.  The bottom line is that games should make you feel like something was achieved, and they give you a sense of accomplishment upon completion.  CV: LOS just left me uncomfortably numb after I was done with it, and made me want to demand my time back.  All (cumulative) ten hours of it.  Seriously, the game, for what it was worth at the time, is heinously short.